The Difference between Cookie and Cookies

So I haven't blogged about this yet, but I'm on a weight loss mission.  I signed up for a weight-loss challenge last year, but that was kinda silly because I was nursing Atticus like crazy and it is never a good idea to diet whilst nursing full-time.  I'm hesitant to blog about weight loss because I actually have a lot to say on the topic and it is a bit overwhelming.  Way at the bottom of my blog is a weight loss ticker and that's pretty much all I've done publicly. 

I have a lot to say.  About why I'm fat.  The weight I have loss.  The weight I gained back.  Eating Disorders.  How weight has impacted my love life, my parenting, and other areas of my life.  Until I get up the gumption to write it all down, I thought I'd start with baby steps.

I'm going to write about cookie.  That isn't a typo.  I meant cookie.  One of the reasons I'm fat is because of cookies.  Cakes.  Breads.  Slices of pizza.  Not a cookie, cake, bread, or a slice of pizza.  I'm fat because I ate too much really good food.

Here's something you may or may not know about me.  In 2003, while battling depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from sexual violence, I was hospitalized in a mental health facility.  Given my intense fear of men and frequent flashbacks I was placed in a wing of the hospital for women.  That area of the hospital happened to specialized in eating disorders.  So there I was, at that time over 350 pounds, sitting around with 60 pound women; some of the women were in wheelchairs, some about to be whisked to the hospital for feeding tubes, a couple with kidney failure, and more than a few with esophageal erosion and other health problems.

What I learned from these women suffering from anorexia and bulimia was that we were the same in so many ways.  They all thought they looked like me.  They had some of the same issues -- secrecy eating, low self-esteem, cutting and other modes of self-harm.  And yes, all the food issues.  As one of girl remarked to me, "Amanda, you're just like me, you're just all binge and no purge." 

Tuesday's was Challenge Day.  We were all ushered into a private dining area.  The same dining area where we recorded what we ate and how we felt at each meal.  A tiny, wee slice of cake was placed in front of each of use.  The anorexic girls who didn't want to eat and the bulimic girls who wanted to eat tons only to throw it back up had to take one bite.  ONE BITE.  I can recall several of the girls weeping.  This awful piece of cake would kill them.  That one bite would make them fat, disgusting, ugly, ill.....

My challenge was to take one bite. ONE BITE.  Slowly.  Not wolfing it down.  But I wanted all of the slice.  And everyone else could give me the unwanted slices.  Cake was good.  Cake made me feel happy, calm, loved, satisfied, fulfilled.  I needed cake.  So. much. cake.  I took one bite and the cake was carried away.  I cried.  I cried because I realized those many many many bites of cake would make me fat, disgusting, ugly, ill.....

I had the same problem as many of the other women at the facility.  I had disordered eating.  Not a single one of us could easily have cake as a reasonable part of our lives; an occasional treat in a realistic portion size.

Part of my disordered eating is that I identity my eating as being "good" and "bad".  When I'm good I'm very very good.  I eat rabbit food and exercise and think about calories constantly.  When I'm bad I'll eat a sack of cheeseburgers and a half-gallon of ice cream.  Both types of thinking are extreme and certainly not normal.

That being said, I've realized that I've slipped back into celebrating with a dozen cookies, rather than enjoying one cookie.  I'll bake a batch and have one out of the oven, one with lunch, one for snack, one after dinner, one before bed..... Back in December I even promised myself a cookie every time the baby woke up in the middle of the night (I had three cookies between 10pm and 6am that night). 

My goal is to lose weight, but my ultimate goal is to relearn my healthy eating habits.  Eat when hungry. Quit when full. Healthful exercise.  Reasonable portions. 

Tuesday night I baked a batch of cookies.  I wanted something chocolaty. I much rather indulge in a homemade something rather than a store bought something.  I baked Martha Stewart's Surprise Cookies.  I omitted the frosting.  I made sure I did an hour of exercise that day instead of 30 minutes.  The cookies came out of the oven. 

I had one cookie.  Slowly.  With a small glass of fat-free milk.  I was full and perfectly satisfied.  I enjoyed that one cookie so much more knowing that I was eating reasonably.

Hooray, for cookie!

Photo Friday: Wednesday

On Wednesdays I take Atticus to daycare at his regularly scheduled time (7:30) even though I don't go to work until noon (I work a split shift).  I typically use the four-plus hours to run errands, but this past Wednesday I had a little baking fest.  Actually, I just made 90 sugar cookies.  I had other cookies in the freezer because I've been doing my holiday baking a bit at a time.

It was a lovely day: coffee, Bing crooning Christmas tunes, a steady rain, and rolling out cookie dough.

The trays and treat-bags were a hit at work, so I guess everyone wins!

Simple Things....

... that make me happy

pretty leaves....

well-oraganized embroidery floss collection....

cookies

Cranberry Honey Drop Cookies UPGRADED!

I found this recipe via Apartment Therapy and I've made it a few times.  The cookies were actually kinda bland.  I didn't dribble the chocolate across the top, so I thought that was the problem, but my issue wasn't really that of flavor but of texture.  The cookies are a bit muffiny and taste like "health cookies."  The cranberries are nice, but the experience of eating these cookies went a bit like this:  "boring boring boring CRANBERRY! YEAH!  boring boring boring CRANBERRY! YEAH!" I really wanted to like these cookies. 

I found that using a stronger local honey as opposed to what you will find in bulk at a Costco is a bit helpful, but still... this cookie is dull.  Even Hope and Sam didn't like the cookies and they eat anything and everything.

I thought I could improve this cookie by kicking it up a bit in the texture and flavor department.  My upgraded Cranberry Honey Drop Cookie is pretty boss.  In fact, it is now a Dark Chocolate Pecan Cranberry Cookie. 

Behold:

Dark Chocolate Pecan Cranberry Cookies
Adapted from The Household Searchlight Cookbook, 1931-1946
And then Adapted from Apartment Therapy

Makes about 24 cookies

1/2 cup dried cranberries
1/2 cup dark chocolate chips
1/2 cup toasted pecans
3/4 cup honey
1/4 cup unsalted butter, softened
1 egg, beaten
1/8 teaspoon nutmeg
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 3/4 + 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon table salt
Preheat the oven to 375°F.
Put the cranberries in a small bowl and cover them with very hot or boiling water. Let them sit and plump while you prepare the rest of the dough.

In a medium-sized mixing bowl, thoroughly combine the honey and the softened butter. Mix in the egg and the spices.

In a separate bowl, whisk together 1 3/4 cup of the flour, the baking soda, and the salt. Gently stir the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients, stirring just until no more flour is visible.

Drain the cranberries. In the bowl used for the dry ingredients, toss the cranberries with 1/4 cup of flour. Fold the cranberries, nuts and chocolate chips into the cookie dough.

Drop tablespoon-sized balls of dough onto a cookie sheet, spaced about 2 inches apart. The cookies will spread a little during baking. Bake 9-13 minutes, until the edges are turning golden. let the cookies cool on the baking sheet for a few minutes, then transfer to a wire rack to finish cooling.

Delicious! Still muffiny and not too rich, but much more interesting.  Mischief Managed!

Photo Friday: The Bake and Make Edition

An embroidered birthday hankie for a friend...








Blueberry Oatmeal Pecan Cookies...




A basketweave dish cloth. Most of it is knitted and then I did a crochet thingamajig border...

Cheery Cherry Muffins...


Basketweave Cloth...


I'm in a makerish mood.  I have plans to bake more Cherry Muffins, something new with blueberries, and a chocolate plum cake.  I'm also knitting more dish cloths for all the marrying/newlymoved/birthdaying folks I know.  I've also started a project for a stitch-along, but I couldn't take pictures because the camera batteries are dead.  Oh yes, and I think I'm starting a low-key knitting group at the coffee shop.  Oh yeah!  And crafts, I have plans to make somethings with Hope and a few felt owls.

I hope you all are out there making something.  It is so satisfying and peaceful!

Remembering September and Looking to October

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October is here and it is one of my most favorite months; I adore fall weather.  September was disappointing as far as autumn goes -- we had temperatures in the upper 80s most of the time.

Now the air truly has a bite of apple crispness and find myself perfectly content to stay home with a large mug of warm milk and and an even bigger book.

Now, for retrospect followed by exciting plans....

Remembering September:

• I began life as a soccer mom (gasp!); and Hope is really loving the sport.  It is so nice to see her working hard and making friends.


• Baking:  a made some fall favorites (pumpkin bars and espresso brownies) and baked a new recipe, Cranberry Honey Drop Cookies.


• The adoption was finalized!  Sam is Hope's daddy for ever and always!


• I began a new embroidery project


• I had a wonderful date day with Sam to Athens.


• Several wonderful trips to the library and a phenomenal library book sale


• Celebrated Sam's 29th birthday


• Began taking Prepared Child Birth Classes


• Readying the nursery!


• Finally I have internet at home


• Craft night with friends featuring yarn, Thai food, coffee and gossip


• Read three books (only three!), Mary Queen of Scots and the Murder of Lord Darnley by Alison Weir, Anatomy of Deception by Lawrence Goldstone, and The Sign of Four by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

Looking to October:

• Blogtoberfest! The goal is to post every day in October.  I didn't accomplish this last year, but I sure did post a heck of a lot more.  My goal is to post every day, even if it is a tiny writeup, rant, or link.


• Finishing Sharon Kay Penman's The Sunne in Splendour.  This is a fabulous book, but nearly 1,000 pages long.  This is my "I must finish this book before Atticus gets here" challenge.


• Speaking of Atticus he *might* be here by the end of the month.  Needless to say I'll be nesting, baby prepping, and finishing childbirth class.  I'm looking forward to this being my last month of pregnancy and having my little man soon!


• Thrifting!  Tomorrow is the huge community thrift sale, because of Hope's soccer game I won't make it there until noon so I hope some deals are left.


• Working on my new embroidery project and finishing the blanket for Atticus.


• Organizing my photo albums.  I feel compelled to tackle the box of pictures and put them in order.


• Breaking out the sewing machine


• Making holiday plans and beginning my baking and gift plans early


• READATHON!  Next Saturday!  Yay!


• Staycation!  Hope has fall break week after next and we have plans to see a movie, have lunch with her Dad at work, take walks and watch plentiful amounts of Dark Shadows.


• Possibly a foray into Once a Month Cooking.... possibly


• Organizing my bookshelves.  I'm saving this for my nesting spurt.


• Baking big loaves of crusty bread and making jar after jar of pumpkin butter and apple butter.


• Audiobook stockpile!  I'm stocking up on audio books for when I function as a milk tank in late October / early November.  Pass on any recommendations!

There we have it, lots of stuff to look forward to!  In my immediate future I see a shower and hitting the pillow.  I'm tired and I know I'll be up 5o0 times in the night since Atticus has decided my bladder is the perfect squeeze toy.

Remembering August and Looking to September

Yesterday Hope stayed home from school because of a sore throat, sinus headache and some sniffles.  By two in the afternoon she was feeling much better and I began feeling crappy.  My throat hurts and I've been blowing my nose in Starbucks for the past hour (I'm sure the other customers are more than thrilled).

While I was feeling ill yesterday, I flipped through my journal and found something interesting.  On January 31st I listed accomplishments and memories from the month and then made another list of things I was looking forward to in September.  Seasonal allergies aside, there are many exciting things happening in September and August was a good month for me so I thought I'd revive the list.

Remembering August:

[caption id="attachment_199" align="alignright" width="246" caption="Sam's DIY Dali moustache..."][/caption]

• completed a 48-hour readathon


• baking - I made peanut butter bars, espresso brownies, strawberry peach cookies, and banana bread


• my friends Catherine and Shannon threw me a WONDERFUL baby shower


• lots of dinners and hanging out with friends


• another ultrasound and Atticus kicking and flipping like mad


• days at the pool with Sam and Hope


• Arcade Fire concert


• began crocheting a baby blanket


• Hope started the 5th grade and has really matured over the summer


• lovely stay-cation at the beginning of the month


• read 5 books (The House at Riverton, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Manservant and Maidservant, The Stolen Crown, and Time Among the Dead)


• made several trips to the library


• paid off a medical bill


• finished an embroidery project
  
  [caption id="attachment_200" align="alignright" width="246" caption="Pumpkin Spice Latte Time!"][/caption]


• saw the Dali exhibit at the High Museum of Art

Looking to September:

• another baby shower


• Hope's soccer season begins


• Carl's R.I.P reading challenge (more on that later)


• finishing the baby blanket


• Autumn baking (pumpkin and apple everything)


• leaves changing and cooler breezes


• breaking out my Docs


• getting internet at the house (hopefully next week)


• baking bread with friends


• completing the nursery


• adoption finalized


• library book sale


• new embroidery projects


• pumpkin spice lattes


• black fingernail polish


• childbirth class


• crafting thank you cards


• paying off my credit cards


• Sam's 29th birthday

I'm ready, September!

Baking Fiend Strikes Again!

I've spent the past four hours in the kitchen baking up a storm.  I started with my Grandma's Peanut Butter Bar Recipe, then tweaked a recipe for Dark Chocolate Mocha Brownies, and finished up with Strawberry Peach Cookies.  I forgot to nab after baking pics of the Strawberry Peach cookies and I'm too lazy to go do it now.  You'll have to use your imagination!

I've had requests for recipes, so here you are:

Grandma's Peanut Butter Bars

• heat the oven to 350 degrees


• melt 1/2 C. up Peanut Butter and 1 stick of butter in a 2 quart pan


• take off heat


• add 1 1/2 cups of sugar and 2 beaten eggs


• stir in 1 C. all purpose, 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder, and 1/2 teaspoon of salt


• stir in 2 tsp. vanilla


• Pour into greased pan


• bake 25 - 30 minutes

Dark Chocolate Mocha Brownies

(modified from The Way the Cookie Crumbles)

5 ounces semisweet chocoloate chips

10 Dove dark chocolate candies (the type in the bag)

1/3 cup heavy whipping cream

8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter, cut into quarters

3 tablespoons cocoa powder

3 tablespoons freshly ground coffee

3 large eggs

1¼ cups granulated sugar

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

½ teaspoon table salt

1 cup and 1/4 cup all purpose flour

1. Heat the oven to 350 degrees. Spray an 8-inch square baking pan with nonstick vegetable cooking spray. Fold two 12-inch pieces of foil lengthwise so that they measure 7 inches wide. Fit one sheet in the bottom of the greased pan, pushing it into corners and up the sides of the pan; overhang will help in the removal of the baked brownies. Fit the second sheet in the pan in the same manner, perpendicular to the first sheet. Spray the foil with nonstick cooking spray.

2. In a medium pan on low heat, melt the chocolates and butter, stirring occasionally until the mixture is smooth. Add in heavy whipping cream and stir.  Whisk in the cocoa and coffee until smooth. Set aside to cool slightly.

3. Whisk together the eggs, sugar, vanilla, and salt in a medium bowl until combined, about 15 seconds. Whisk the warm chocolate mixture into the egg mixture; then stir in the flour with a wooden spoon until just combined. Pour the mixture into the prepared pan, spread into corners, and level the surface with a rubber spatula. Bake until slightly puffed and a toothpick inserted in the center comes out with a small amount of sticky crumbs clinging to it, 35 to 40 minutes. Cool on a wire rack to room temperature, about 2 hours, then remove the brownies from the pan using the foil overhang. Cut into squares and serve.

Strawberry Peach Cookies

(modified from Martha Stewart's Cookies cookbook )

• 2 cups plus 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour


• 3/4 teaspoon salt


• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda


• 1 stick unsalted butter, room temperature


• 1 cup sugar


• 1 large egg


• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract


• 2 large, ripe peaches (peeled, pitted, and chopped into 1/2-inch pieces)


• 1/3 cup strawberry preserves


• cinnamon sugar mixture (1 tsp. sugar and 1/2 tsp. cinnamon)

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.


2. Whisk together flour, salt, and baking soda


3. Mix butter and sugar with an electric mixer until pale and fluffy.  Reduce speed to low, and add in egg and vanilla.  Mix until well-blended.  Add flour mixture and mix until combined.  Add diced peaches and preserves, mix until just combined.


4. using a tablespoon, drop dough onto buttered cookie sheet spacing 2 inches apart.  (Chill remaining dough between batches)


5. Sprinkle with cinnamon sugar mixture and bake 13 - 15 minutes .  Let cool on sheets for 5 minutes and then transfer to wire rack for at least 10 minutes.