Weight Loss: A Pregnancy Reassessment

The beginning of this year marked my dedication to losing weight and getting healthy.  I upped my water intake, exercised hard 3-5 times a week, and ate well.  I dropped 25 pounds and two sizes from January 1st until mid-May.  I was right on target with my goal of losing a safe 4-5 pounds a month.  Then I got pregnant.  We threw caution to the wind once and ... well... here I am 13 weeks pregnant.

I am over the moon with joy, but this teeny little part of me is frustrated.  Not with the baby, but frustrated that the 25 lbs (of the 146 lbs I needed to lose) could come back. Frustrated with none of my clothes fitting and of being in that weird place where I don't look pregnant yet, but I just look like I'm letting myself go and gaining weight. I had planned on not continuing to attempt weight loss, but to still track my food and eat healthy so I don't gain excessive weight.

Then the nausea hit.  The smell of vegetables and fruit make me hurl.  I also just today had a half-cup of coffee and it tasted delicious.  The past 6 weeks I've abhorred the smell of coffee, broccoli, oranges, spinach, "flavorful food"... "nutritious food."  I've subsisted on fried fish sandwiches, chicken, bread, and taters.  I think the only veggies I've actually kept in stomach include Caesar salad and sweet potatoes. 

I felt like a Miss Fatty Failure.

I decided to just concentrate on three things to work on in my early pregnancy:  1). water intake, 2). prenatal vitamin, and 3). sleep.  I am exhausted constantly.  I mean, I am pregnant, nursing, working full time (with some added drama from workplace drama queens), and I have a teen, a tot, and a husband.  I haven't done any exercising or completed any of my stitching projects in favor of napping and sleeping every chance I get. 

I will say I've noticed that I haven't put on weight as quickly as I did when I was pregnant with Atticus.  I was in maternity clothes by 8 weeks pregnant.  Now I am 13 weeks and I've just now donned maternity wear and I'm still wearing a few stretchy pre-pregnancy things.  I am not nearly as hungry as I was with Atticus, during that pregnancy my blood sugar kept dangerously dropping and I craved sweet tea, Mexican food, steak, and spinach.  I ate and ate and ate and was never full.  I'm not feeling that way now, so I'm hoping that means that I can control my weight a bit and not let it spiral out of control. 

The second trimester usually starts about 13/14 weeks and on Wednesday I will be 14 weeks along.  I've come up with new goals for this trimester:  1) start logging my food again, 2) attempt to add in fruits and veggies, and 3) go for a walk 3 times a week. I'm constantly thirsty so keeping up with water isn't a problem and my prenatal vitamin is a habit now so I feel okay with adding other goals.  Sam is encouraging me to sleep as often as possible and he never makes me feel guilty.

My ultimate goal is to have a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby.  Baby #3 will be born around February 9th and I'll be on maternity leave until about May 1st.  That gives me time to recover from surgery (c-section and tubes tied), get my milk supply well-established, and start exercising again. 

In thinking ahead, I was overwhelmed when Atticus was born. I had Hope vaginally and didn't expect the pain and discomfort of a c-section (folks who tell you c-sections are easier haven't had a baby vaginally... c-sections suck) and Atticus had horrible colic stemming from a dairy intolerance. All of a sudden the healthy yogurt, cheese, muffins, etc... were making my kid sick.  I was hungry and felt like everything would make my baby ill (y'all dairy is in EVERYTHING).  I'm better prepared this go.  I have my list of dairy-free snacks and I'm planning on doing some freezer meals sans dairy.  JUST IN CASE.  I'm also stocking up on groceries early and overall preparing for the recovery from a c-section.  After I had Hope I spent maybe two days feeling crummy (I had to get some... ahem... stitches) and then besides being tired I was bebopping around the house.   With Atticus I was swelling from pitocin to the point my skin was splitting, I had an incision that reopened, and I was frustrated that it seemed to take my milk longer to get in.  I was so determined to have a "nuts and berries hippie sunshine birth" that I refused to read about c-sections, tour the OR, or prepare for a potential operation.  I have to have a c-section this time and I'm determined to not go into it scared and ignorant. 

What does all that rambling about childbirth have to do with weight loss?  A lot.  I'm a perfectionist.  I say I'm doing the weight loss for health, but I am doing it for vanity just as much.  I want to feel pretty and wear what I want and I feel like less of a woman if I don't match that ideal of  how a woman should look.  I wanted a natural childbirth because it is best for baby (in my opinion) but also because I wanted to feel powerful and independent in my own body... I felt like I would be copping out by getting a c-section.  I want to be a perfect mama from birth onward. I have to accept that my body is my body is my body and this body isn't ever going to be the "ideal" anything, because the ideal woman is a myth air-brushed, edited, and manufactured by patriarchy.

I think liking your own physicality is a difficult thing for a plus-sized woman.  On one hand I believe we should like ourselves and feel beautiful and confident.  On the other hand I have big issues with the fat acceptance movement.  That deserves its own post that will probably make me an outcast fat girl, but I will say one issue I have with fat acceptance is that it almost advocates for passivity with weight loss.  When I started trying to lose weight after college I weighed 356 pounds.  When I renewed my commitment to health this past January I weighed 296 pounds.  Sure... my numbers were good (cholesterol, sugar, blood pressure), but I wasn't healthy.  Or maybe I am healthy now, but I know that if I am 296 at age 50 I will be suffering.  I've seen my overweight relatives struggle with fatigue, joint pain, foot issues, and other ailments. I want to be hiking, getting tattooed, and running around with grandkids.  Not on the couch suffering from wear and tear exacerbated by weight.  Fat acceptance seems to say "I love myself.. I'm confident... I'm sexy.. and I'm going to stay this way!!!"  Fat acceptance to me should be "I love myself. I'm confident.  I'm sexy. And I love myself enough to change for a healthier, longer life."

That's the plan:  healthy pregnancy, healthy recovery, healthy breastfeeding, and then back to losing weight so I can wear those cute dresses and live to a ripe old age. 

Weight Loss Update and Getting Back on Track

I'm feeling a bit scattered at the moment in a Voldymort/Horcruxy sort of way -- a piece here... a piece there... all pulled in different directions.  This post may be a bit scattered because I can't seem to sit still and think.  Or rather, I think but in a disjointed steam-of-consciousness fashion. 

In fact you should know that the above teensy bit was written over an hour ago.  I got up from my computer, went to my bedroom, stared at the bookshelf.  How's that for productivity.  I can't decide if I should clean the house or finish this post.  Okay, I'll finish the post, but I'm giving my self a time limit to bang it out.

-------SCREECH--------------

We now begin our actual post -- Weight Loss Update:

Beginning Weight 01/01/12:  296

Current Weight 5/16/12:  271.4

I've almost lost 25 pounds and that means an average of 5lbs a month which is what I was going for initially.

But, y'all, I'm so sick of it.  I'm tired of eating healthy.  I'm tired of exercising.  I'm tired of drinking water.  I'd like to waller (as we say in Georgia) in a vat of deep fried something.  I've allowed myself a few breaks -- but my weight loss has slowed down.

I've poked around in my profile on My Fitness Pal and I've realized something.  I have sabotaged myself by getting too crazy.  When I was successfully losing weight I was doing several things:

1. Drinking 8 glasses of water a day
2. Consuming calories calculated to ensure a 1 lb a week loss, plus calories for breastfeeding, plus eating back my exercise calories. 
3. I exercised 4 days on, 1 day off.  When that was difficult to balance with home and work life I switched to 2 days on, 1 day off.  That seemed to work better.
4. I varied my exercise.  I mostly went for walks and when my allergies got bad I switched to belly dance and 30 Day Shred.
5. I took my vitamin pack and probiotic every day.  

When I was so excited about my weight loss I decided to ramp things up a bit:

1. I tried for 12 plus glasses of water -- which I didn't often achieve because I got sick of the stuff.
2. I tried to exercise Monday - Friday.  Mostly 30 Day Shred.  I hate 30 Day Shred.  Yes I've toned and I can feel a difference, but I hurt my elbow doing Traveling Pushups and I keep having to take a days off to get the twinge to go away.  Also, I *hate* it when Jillian says "you should be seeing your six pack abs now if you're doing everything right."  Fuck you, Jillian.  I weigh just over 270 lbs.  I'm not going to see a six pack for a long while.
3. I quit adding breast feeding calories.  I went to 1,700 calories with eating back my exercise calories.  Then I found I was still hungry or tired and I would over eat and then not record the calories because I felt like a disappointment.

Why do I make shit more complicated than it needs to be?

So, I'm going back to a LIFESTYLE change mentality.  No Dieting.  LIFESTYLE CHANGE.  My new goal is to be a bit nicer to myself and truly be honest:

1. Back to 8 glasses of water a day.  If I want more then fine.  If not?  No big deal.
2. Take the vitamin and probiotic.  It is about HEALTH, not be looking like a hottie.  (I couldn't type that without laughing)
3.  Exercise Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday.  My goal is to exercise 30-45 minutes on those days and burn about 200-250 calories.  
4. Back to a loss of 1 lb a week.  This means my daily calorie intake will be 1,950 + 200 calories for breastfeeding a toddler + my exercised calories.  This means I will be consuming 2,150  to 2,400 calories a day.  I know that may seem like a lot, but I didn't realize how much Atticus was nursing until we went out of town.  He is still nursing 2-3 times a day (minimum) for about 10-30 minutes each time.  That's a lot of work right there.
5. I also made my diary private for only friends to read.  I need less pressure.

I'll be weighing on Friday, just to see if last week's visit from Aunt Flo helped retard my weight loss.  I feel much better with some of the pressure off.  I don't know why I do this to myself.  Oh, wait, I do know.  PERFECTIONISM!  Do it perfectly or not all!  I'm never going to achieve any goal if I keep that up.

Feel free to dispense comments of an encouraging nature.  I could really use them right now.  Peace!

I Like to Move it, Move it....

... as in I like to exercise.

Let me say that again.... I LIKE TO EXERCISE.

I didn't realize that I have a new found fondness for being sore and sweaty until last week.  I managed 2 or 3 quick 20 minute walks, but I couldn't do any exercising.  Atticus was so sick all week and my time was spent cuddling my little man and reading Brown Bear, Brown Bear 10 million times.  While I enjoyed my extra snuggles, I was not a fan of the no sleeping and being cooped up in the house.  I was anxious, had trouble sleeping when I did get a chance to snooze and I had an overwhelming sense of moving as if I was in a vat of molasses.  Until I went for a walk.  I walked fast and soon found my pep back.

This has made me realize how important exercise is to my health.  Yes, it helps with weight loss, but it does so much more.  Here are some reasons why I'm digging the exercise and then I'll fill you in on my exercise routine:

1. I sleep better at night
2. I can eat more calories 
3. I can redeem my food screw-ups; instead of being bummed I blew my calories I can do damage control by exercising.
4. It is a really neat feeling to feel muscles underneath all the squishy.  One day there will be less squishy and more muscle.
5. I'm energetic
6. I want more water and therefore drink more water.

I've gotten myself down to a pretty good routine in two weekly cycles:

Cycle #1:

• Monday:  30 Day Shred / 20 minute walk
• Tuesday:  Belly Dance Slim Down
• Wednesday:  30 Day Shred / 20 minute walk
• Thursday:  Belly Dance Slim Down
• Friday: 30 Day Shred / 20 minute walk 

Cycle #2: 

• Monday: Belly Dance Slim Down
• Tuesday: 30 Day Shred / 20 minute walk
• Wednesday:  Belly Dance Arms and Abs and Belly Dance Hips, Buns, Thighs 
• Thursday: 30 Day Shred / 20 minute walk
• Friday:  Belly Dance Slim Down

I don't do "typical" exercise on the weekend.  I play in the yard with the kids, clean the house, go for walks, and garden. My weekends are typically filled with family and we try being as active as possible with the kiddos.

So far this is working for me and I'll probably keep this routine through April.  In May I'm looking at changing to Jillian Michaels Ripped in 30, doing different cardio, and learning how to roller skate (I was never good at it as a child).

Let me know if you have any exercising favorites and I'll try to check them out!

First Weight Loss Goal Reached!

On Friday, March 9th, I reached my first weight loss goal.  280.  That's 16 pounds lost.  I've actually lost another pound since then, but I wanted to mark this occasion. 

This is a really horrible first goal picture.  The mirror is dirty and I'm in Hope's room which was (is) a huge mess.  I don't even know if you can tell a difference.  I know most people say "your face is thinner" and I can certainly see a difference there. The first photo is from Atticus's birthday party in October of 2012 and was the only picture I could find where I wasn't hiding behind someone.  

Since I reached my first goal I'll be treating myself to a pedicure as soon as the tattoo on my leg is healed.  That was my "prize" to myself.  I'm really looking forward to it. 

I'm still in the weight-loss competition at work.  The competition was supposed to be over on the 9th, but it has been extended to April 5th.  The prize is $440.  All 22 contestants paid $10 a piece and the University matches that up to $250.  I want to win so badly.  If I win Sam and I are using the money to go on a mini-trip for my birthday in late April.

I kinda have a nice little mini-goal/reward system going.  It is intimidating to know that one has 146lbs to lose (well, 130 now) and breaking it up helps.  Here are my current mini-goals:

• April 5th -- 275, end of contest
• April 27th -- 270, my birthday
• May 19th -- 265, my brothers wedding
• June 1st -- 260, bring up the clothes stored in the basement and have a 1/2 spa day!

These nice little 20 pound chunks are less scary.

Also, the Non Scale Victories are rolling in.  I know my face looks thinner, but I (and Sam) can tell that my body is changing:

• I can do all the jumping jacks on Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred without stopping.
• I can do 15 pushups (I couldn't even do one when I started)
• My clothes are falling off (Sam said he doesn't mind this, snicker snicker).  My underwear was slipping off and down in my jeans yesterday.  And on Sunday Atticus pulled my pants clean off while I was doing dishes.  He tugged on my pj pants with one hand and the pants went to my ankles.  Atticus thought it was hilarious.  Thankfully Sam was in the shower and Hope was at a friends house and we didn't have guests! 
• My size 26/28 pants are hilariously big and my size 24 capris are fitting loosely (I busted a zipper on pair last summer because they were so tight).

Soon it will be time to head to the thrift stores for some summer clothes!

In Which the Dieting Heroine Discusses Poop -- Proceed with caution

Okay, I'm not really going to talk about poop, well, not explicitly.  But my bowel rumblings will factor into this update so I would proceed with caution if you have a disdain for bodily functions or you have... manners.

My first weight loss update is here.  Here is my progress:


January 6th                                296
January 13th                              291
January 20th                              290
January 27th                              289
February 3rd                              288


I'm losing a healthy pound a week so far with an overall weight loss of 8lbs in a five week period of time.  That's a 1.6lb average!  I weigh in this Friday and hopefully I will have lost another pound.


Okay, on to this week's friend and foe.  

Warning:  A discussion of poo ensues:


Friend: Probiotics 
When I had my sinus infection in late January I was put on antibiotics.  Because I was using Health Services at the university as opposed to going to the doctor, I was only able to get an antibiotic and I couldn't get that lovely little pill that would keep me from getting a yeast infection.  I really didn't want a yeast infection, so in addition to eating a shit-ton of yogurt I started taking a probiotic.  It is the Walgreens' brand and about $20 for a pack of 60 pills.  Not only did I not get a terrible yeast infection, but I also have avoided my terrible stomach issues from eating healthy.

For the past three years -- with the exception of my pregnancy -- I have struggled with eating fruits and vegetables.  I adore vegetables, but the stomach repercussions were awful.  I joined eDiets last year and was following their diet plans for a dairy-free diet.  At the time Atticus still had a dairy problem and I wasn't trying to lose weight as much as I was trying to achieve a balanced diet.  The first two days were fine and then the shit hit the fan... nearly literally.  My stomach was tight and distended.  I had constant gas.  I was pooping 5 to 7 times a day MINIMUM.  I felt sluggish and disgusting.  I kept up with the diet for two weeks thinking that my stomach just needed time to adjust.  Nope.  I was miserable.  And the same thing happened when I was dieting in 2007 and when I made an attempt at being vegetarian in college.  


I've been to doctors for the stomach trouble and it would end in tears and frustration:


Doctor:  "You are fat.  You need to lose weight.  Eat fruits, vegetables, and whole grains."


Me:  "Okay"


Two weeks later:


Doctor:  "Your stomach cannot handle the fruits, vegetables, and whole grains.  Eat something greasy and you will feel better."


Me:  "Okay"


And I did.  Cue Vicious Cycle.  A burger and fries and I felt better, but I was just getting fatter.  WTF?  


Of course, the doctor never did recommend probiotics.  He said there may be a prescription, but with me nursing I didn't want random drugs floating in my body.  I just happened to start taking probiotics a few weeks into my diet this go around.


I feel great.  I had asparagus and mushrooms with lunch and yesterday I had four servings of broccoli with lunch.  No horrible poo-issues.  By golly I'm regular, but I'm going about twice a day as opposed to 6 times a day and I haven't had to pilfer Atticus's diaper rash cream (oh yeah, it was that bad... my ass hurt).


I'm going to keep up taking the probiotic capsule everyday. 


Foe: Secrecy
I'm loving MyFitnessPal, but I can feel myself getting intimidated by the "hardcore" folks on there.  People who don't eat all their calories and their diaries look sparse and militant.  I want to keep my diary public as a form of accountability, but on the other hand I'm afraid of people judging me, that I'm not doing it right, and that maybe I should just throw in the towel.  I have to remember that a pound a week is healthy and it is more likely to stay off.  I will screw myself up if I under eat.  

Because of my fears I find myself wanting to fib on my diary or leave things out all together.  Last night I baked cookies and I had ONE cookie.  It put me nearly 100 calories over my daily calorie goal.  I seriously thought about not recording it so I could get that merry little message at the end of the day:  "Amanda completed her diary for 02/07/12 and was under her calorie goal!"  But it would have been a false pride and I would be paving the path for a compulsive eater's number one foe.  SECRET EATING.  Yes, that morbidly obese girl may be eating a salad and drinking a diet coke, but at night -- when no one is looking -- she is binging on bags of chips and candybars.  I was that girl.  I remember not eating at summer camps as a teenager and then hiding under my sleeping bag at night eating 7 Snicker bars.


I think the psychology behind this -- at least in my case -- was that I was afraid people were watching me.  God knows I pay attention to what others eat (a similar habit among compulsive eaters and people with anorexia).  If I could just "play along" then people would think that I was an unfortunate victim of genetics and I was simply fat for no reason in particular.  I didn't want someone to make the connection that "those three cheeseburgers are making her fat."  I didn't want to admit to myself that I was the one making myself fat.  I would hide wrappers and trash in trashcans underneath other garbage.  I would eat so quickly I sometimes threw-up.  I wrapped myself in a McDonald's Big Mac Food Wrapper of Shame.  


Being honest with myself about how I eat and what I eat and letting others see me eat is healthy.  It keeps things in perspective by taking away all of the shame.  When I'm not engaging in disordered eating I eat to get full and I enjoy my food, I don't deprive myself to get a societal pat on the back only to feed my deprivation with too much food.  I hate myself after binge eating and I want to avoid it.


So... I will log in my food even if I go over on calories.  I will log in everything and not think about it as good or bad.  And I need to get over the assumption that everyone is paying attention to the food they see me eat.  This week I'm going to be especially conscious of eating slowly, deliberately, and being honest in my food diary.  Healthy eating mindset for the win!

Downton Abbey Will Make Me Fat*

I've decided to try and post about healthy things (i.e. weight, recipes, tips, troubles, etc....) regularly.  I'm hoping it will help keep me motivated.  I'm going to really embarrass myself and also keep track of my weight here.  I really hate flashing my weight, but I'm hoping it will help.  I keep telling myself that at least I'm not 356 pounds still.  I was 356 and then lost to 248.  Since 2008 I have gained 48 pounds.  That is really scary to me.

January 6th                                296
January 13th                              291

January 20th          290!

I know it isn't a huge loss, but I'm so happy I lost a pound last week.  And here is why...

~WARNING!!!!!  WOMANLY THINGS DISCUSSED BELOW!  PROCEED WITH CAUTION!~

...I started my period that morning.  Any woman will tell you that weighing oneself when "on the rag" and especially on day one can be traumatic.  I was already bloated and feeling gross. I entertained the notion of not weighing in.  I was sure that the 5lb loss from last week was a complete fluke and that I'd gained 20lbs. I made myself weigh-in and I was pleasantly surprised.

Okay, on to the rest of the update.  Each time I blog about my attempt at a healthier life I am going to try to identify one friend and one foe.  Something that I have succeeded at or is a useful tool and then something that I'm struggling with and then try to find a solution.

Friend:  My Fitness Pal app.
I have this neat-o app. on my phone that I use to keep my food diary and count calories and nutritional information.  It is called MyFitnessPal and it is a free app.  I have an Android, but it also is available for iPhone users. 

Basically I just entered in all of my information and the program calculated my BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate).  Essentially this is how many calories I burn daily doing nothing.  At the size I am now, my current BMR is 2,047.  Taking that information, along with how much I'd like to lose per week, MyFitnessPal calculates how many daily calories I need to lose weight.  Right now my daily target is 1,590 calories.

When I eat something I add it to the meal list either by searching for the food, blipping the barcode with my Android, or adding in the calories.  I just add in the calories when I make a recipe that has the caloric intake already figured.  Online, you can add in a recipe, put the number of servings, and MyFitnessPal calculates the calories per serving.

You can also add exercises from their exercise database (areas for cardio and strength training) and EARN your calories back (if you want).  I also use it to track water consumption.

With the app I get a full nutritional profile.  I can see if I'm consuming too little protein and too many carbs.  I can see which vitamins I'm deficient in and I can print progress reports.

The coolest bit is at the end of the day.  When I get in bed and I'm all done eating for the day I simply click that I'm done and the app. calculates -- based on that days consumption and exercise -- how much I would weigh in 5 weeks if everyday was like today.  AWESOME MOTIVATOR!  Last night I was a little -- 48 calories -- over and I was super bummed.  But when I finished closing out the day the app said that "if every day was like today you'd weigh 281.1 lbs in 5 weeks).  OMG.  Seriously!  That's awesome! 

Foe:  Fatigue
When I was in college I really started to pack on weight.  I think I gained about 40 pounds during my final year and a half of school. About 75% of this weight was from eating when I was tired.  I was a full-time honors student taking a maximum amount of hours, working three part-time jobs which totaled about 34 hours a week of work, and I was a single mother with a toddler.  Add to that my insanity in adding extracurricular activities; I was involved in several clubs and I was editor of our literary magazine.  What the hell was I thinking?  It ended up that the bulk of my homework and research occurred between 8pm (when Hope went to bed) and 3am.  And of course, I was back up at 6am for the day to begin again.

Coffee could only do so much.  I found that after 8pm I was eating to stay awake.  Entire boxes of Wheat Thins.  Popcorn.  Animal Crackers.  Ice Cream.  During the day I carried what I thought was a healthy snack (yogurt-covered raisins) and I would eat virtually the entire day.  I felt so hungry all the time.  What I was really feeling was fatigue.  I was exhausted, but I had to keep going.

I find I reach for food when I am tired more than anything else.  I also shovel it in.  There is no enjoying that doughnut, I'm cramming it down my throat as quickly as possible.  Even though I don't have the hellish schedule I did in college, my life feels very full:  work, parenting, housework, cooking, laundry, blogging, reading, friends, my 500 million hobbies...... My inclination is to stay up until 1am getting things done or doing something enjoyable and then wake back up at 5am.

Last night I started my fight with fatigue. I've decided by 9:30 I need to have my teeth brushed and be in the bed.  I can read for an hour, but I'm not to get out of bed unless it is to use the "facilities. ' This means I have had to give up or postpone some things.... like Downton Abbey.

I don't have TV, but I usually watch Downton Abbey online on Monday or Tuesday nights.  By the time the kids are in bed that puts me watching the hour-long program at 9pm.  And I like to eat while I watch.  AND, being the dork that I am, I find that I'm excited afterwards thinking about what will happen next and then I want to stay up and re-re-re-read Brideshead Revisited until 1am.  Of course, I'm sleepy and Atticus wakes at 5am, so I find myself reaching for carb-y snacks.  No more.  I'm waiting until the weekend or a night when Sam is home to help with the kiddos and THEN I will watch Downton Abbey.

My other key sleepy time is after work when I'm cooking dinner.  I'm normally cooking around 4:30 because we eat at 5:30 so Sam can go to the tattoo shop fairly early in the evening.  I've accepted the fact that I'm starving by 4 and I must eat something.  I usually go for a walk after work and then I come home and have a reasonable, protein-filled snack:  a fiber one bar with a cheese stick or a boiled egg on a small salad or some yogurt with fruit.  When I know what I'm going to eat I'm less liking to do that desperate grabbing for whatever carb/sugar I can shovel in. 

Alright, goals for next week:  keep logging in my food and watch-out for fatigue.  Fingers crossed that I'll see some results on Friday!


(*Hyperbolic, attention-grabbing title, CHECK)

The Difference between Cookie and Cookies

So I haven't blogged about this yet, but I'm on a weight loss mission.  I signed up for a weight-loss challenge last year, but that was kinda silly because I was nursing Atticus like crazy and it is never a good idea to diet whilst nursing full-time.  I'm hesitant to blog about weight loss because I actually have a lot to say on the topic and it is a bit overwhelming.  Way at the bottom of my blog is a weight loss ticker and that's pretty much all I've done publicly. 

I have a lot to say.  About why I'm fat.  The weight I have loss.  The weight I gained back.  Eating Disorders.  How weight has impacted my love life, my parenting, and other areas of my life.  Until I get up the gumption to write it all down, I thought I'd start with baby steps.

I'm going to write about cookie.  That isn't a typo.  I meant cookie.  One of the reasons I'm fat is because of cookies.  Cakes.  Breads.  Slices of pizza.  Not a cookie, cake, bread, or a slice of pizza.  I'm fat because I ate too much really good food.

Here's something you may or may not know about me.  In 2003, while battling depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from sexual violence, I was hospitalized in a mental health facility.  Given my intense fear of men and frequent flashbacks I was placed in a wing of the hospital for women.  That area of the hospital happened to specialized in eating disorders.  So there I was, at that time over 350 pounds, sitting around with 60 pound women; some of the women were in wheelchairs, some about to be whisked to the hospital for feeding tubes, a couple with kidney failure, and more than a few with esophageal erosion and other health problems.

What I learned from these women suffering from anorexia and bulimia was that we were the same in so many ways.  They all thought they looked like me.  They had some of the same issues -- secrecy eating, low self-esteem, cutting and other modes of self-harm.  And yes, all the food issues.  As one of girl remarked to me, "Amanda, you're just like me, you're just all binge and no purge." 

Tuesday's was Challenge Day.  We were all ushered into a private dining area.  The same dining area where we recorded what we ate and how we felt at each meal.  A tiny, wee slice of cake was placed in front of each of use.  The anorexic girls who didn't want to eat and the bulimic girls who wanted to eat tons only to throw it back up had to take one bite.  ONE BITE.  I can recall several of the girls weeping.  This awful piece of cake would kill them.  That one bite would make them fat, disgusting, ugly, ill.....

My challenge was to take one bite. ONE BITE.  Slowly.  Not wolfing it down.  But I wanted all of the slice.  And everyone else could give me the unwanted slices.  Cake was good.  Cake made me feel happy, calm, loved, satisfied, fulfilled.  I needed cake.  So. much. cake.  I took one bite and the cake was carried away.  I cried.  I cried because I realized those many many many bites of cake would make me fat, disgusting, ugly, ill.....

I had the same problem as many of the other women at the facility.  I had disordered eating.  Not a single one of us could easily have cake as a reasonable part of our lives; an occasional treat in a realistic portion size.

Part of my disordered eating is that I identity my eating as being "good" and "bad".  When I'm good I'm very very good.  I eat rabbit food and exercise and think about calories constantly.  When I'm bad I'll eat a sack of cheeseburgers and a half-gallon of ice cream.  Both types of thinking are extreme and certainly not normal.

That being said, I've realized that I've slipped back into celebrating with a dozen cookies, rather than enjoying one cookie.  I'll bake a batch and have one out of the oven, one with lunch, one for snack, one after dinner, one before bed..... Back in December I even promised myself a cookie every time the baby woke up in the middle of the night (I had three cookies between 10pm and 6am that night). 

My goal is to lose weight, but my ultimate goal is to relearn my healthy eating habits.  Eat when hungry. Quit when full. Healthful exercise.  Reasonable portions. 

Tuesday night I baked a batch of cookies.  I wanted something chocolaty. I much rather indulge in a homemade something rather than a store bought something.  I baked Martha Stewart's Surprise Cookies.  I omitted the frosting.  I made sure I did an hour of exercise that day instead of 30 minutes.  The cookies came out of the oven. 

I had one cookie.  Slowly.  With a small glass of fat-free milk.  I was full and perfectly satisfied.  I enjoyed that one cookie so much more knowing that I was eating reasonably.

Hooray, for cookie!