Introvert Week -- A Blogcation Announcement

Exactly.  I've decided to take an introvert-rejuvenating blogcation until June 1st.  I'll be spending time with my family and time alone.  They'll be loads of reading / writing / knitting / stitching / baking / walks outside / thinking / movie-watching / listening / daydreaming.... and just being quiet.  I'll see you all in June!

Introvert Week -- A Meandering Post on Work

I think that this may be the most complicated post for me to write from a general perspective.  Excepting various jobs in retail and food service and my college work-study doing phone work for the college's IT department I have only ever worked for my current library.  All of my perceptions of what it is like to be an introvert at work -- especially an introvert in a library is colored by my personal experience.

Yes, I work at a library.  You may think that is the perfect job for an introvert.  You'd be surprised.  Currently I handle all of the library's interlibrary loan transactions.  I enjoy this because it allows me to work alone and concentrate deeply.  The "J" function of my INFJ personality really shines paired with my introversion (aka I like to organize, plan, and work with details).  The other two jobs I've had and loved at the library include handling course reserves and copy-cataloging (loads of concentration, organizing, and working alone).  What may be surprising is that my job -- and many library jobs -- are customer service jobs.  Folks may think that I'm hiding in the stacks and shelving all day and instead I'm in meetings, and answering phone calls, and fielding impromptu research questions, and handling various and sundry crazy situations.  I'm required to think on my feet and deal with all sorts of people; and, yes, that includes difficult people.  While I'm really good at organizing and doing my actual work; I still have difficulty dealing with the people side of things.

Trust me it isn't because I'm perceived as quiet and shy. Quit the opposite.  I have a reputation with the other library staff of being fairly loud and outspoken.  There are several reasons why I'm "outgoing" at work:

1. I work in a small library: two library assistants and five librarians.  Add in just over a dozen work-study students and that's our library.  I don't have a very big "audience".
2. I've worked at this library since 2004 and I know my job well.  
3. Given the smallness of our staff, we're expected to work at a team.  Loads of meetings and loads of talking.  If I wasn't able to work in some sort of team I'd be screwed. 
4. My loud and abrasiveness is mostly because I don't know how to deal with people.  Seriously.  I go from quiet to "BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH." 

 Each year, in my annual review I get tons of "outstandings" on my actual work.  I'm on time, diligent and go the extra mile.  I always .... ALWAYS ... get no higher than "satisfactory" on things like professionalism and working well with others.

My problem is that I'm trying to be extroverted when I'm not.  And, of course, whenever I try to be something other than me I fail.  Well, at the very least I'm stressed and cranky.

This work year is operation To Thine Own Self Be True.  I don't really need to be loud about my job.  I work with good people, I do a good job, and I've no reason to doubt the security of my position. 

There's no advice-like conclusion to this post; rather I'd like to solicit feedback.  How do introverts communicate in meetings?  When I'm in a room with extroverts I feel the need to talk over to be heard.  But do I need to be heard?  Perhaps the best way would be to be myself -- keep to myself -- and then let people come to me with questions or go to folks individually with pertinent remarks and information.  As long as I can do my job and do it effectively then I should have to bend to the extrovert idea of constant talk, feedback, and group work.

We'll see how this experiment works!

Introvert Week -- Kindred Spirits, Imaginary

Amelie Poulain

Lucy Snowe

Atticus Finch

Elinor Dashwood

Daria Morgendorffer

Luna Lovegood

Katniss Everdeen

Batman

Totoro

Introvert Week: Introvert Parenting

A few weeks ago I was reading a phenomenal book on being an introvert in America entitled Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain.  I'll be mentioning this book here and there this week, but one of the reasons why I read the book was I heard that there was a chapter on introvert parenting.  YES!  One of my most difficult challenges as an introvert.  Alas, the chapter or two on parenting had to do with parenting an introvert child not parenting as an introvert.  I was frustrated and this was my only real disappointment with the book.

It is really difficult to describe the complexities of motherhood as an introvert.  As a mother I am a huge supporter of Attachment Parenting (although I believe it is on a spectrum and I'm somewhere in the middle).  We don't do "crying it out," I believe in child-lead weaning and nursing on demand, I stop what I'm doing (within reason) to cuddle, and we do/have done co-sleeping.  This has worked best for our family.  As an introvert I crave time and space alone and quiet and some degree of solitude.  I think you can see the issue here; how can I be mom and an introvert at the same time?  It is so easy to say that I will just give up space, quiet, and solitude to be with the kids 100% of the time.  Unfortunately, I'm not a very pleasant mommy when I don't have some time to myself.  I get huffy and exasperated.  My head aches.  I mentally check-out.  Or worse, I try to do my introvert-rejuvenating pursuits while mothering.  Reading while dealing with infant colic is an exercise in futility. 

Through the years I've thought of some different ways to balance my need to have time alone.  I know that each family and each child is different so some of these ideas may not work for you.  Also, it is MUCH easier for me to have time as an introvert now that I'm married.  When I was a single mother my time alone was spent cramming for exams or cleaning the kitchen; I realize that some of these ideas may be frustratingly impossible given your life circumstances (sorry!).  I can only recommend what I've done in the past.  The suggestions are divided up into rough age groups.

Top Recommendations Across the Board:
-- Find your anti-Cheers.  You want the place where no one knows your name.  When I try to have introvert time when the kids are up and Sam's watching them I find myself acutely aware of the noise and what they are doing and Atticus is too young to understand why Mommy is in her room with the door shut.  When the kids are out with Sam and I find myself alone I sometimes feel guilty -- I should really scrub the shower or reorganize the pantry.  Reading or thinking are nearly impossible.  A coffee shop, a park, the library and yes, sometimes just sitting in my car gives me the opportunity to think mama-distraction free.  Find a place where you can be alone in a crowd.  Socializing is for another time.  Also, I keep a stash of yarn and a book in the car for those unexpected, joyous bits of introvert freedom (like when I let Atticus finish his nap in the car or I get off work a few minutes early).
-- Schedule a Date with Yourself: When the kiddos were infants I would only get an hour here and there.  Finally Sam and I worked out at schedule and I went out for 2 - 3 hours a set time each week.  It wasn't to grocery shop or run errands.  It was simply me time and it made such a huge difference.  Sometimes I just went for a walk by myself.  Having it scheduled made it much easier.  Now I have "mom time" every weekend for about 4 hours.  I return a happy, relaxed, and fully present mother.
--Kill Your TV!:  Sam and I use netflix and have no TV at home.  We don't even have the netflix streaming to our TV (we use the computer for that).  Atticus didn't watch TV until after age 1, and now he gets 30 minutes a day unless he is sick.  The house is much calmer and quieter without the background noise.  Also, I found that when I had cable I wasted my precious quiet time watching stupid, loud, dramatic, non-rejuvenating reality TV with the obnoxious, pushy commercials blaring.  I read more and Sam does more art now that we've gone TV free.  It is like Fight Club, after the first week you won't even miss it.

Infancy through Toddlerhood:  
-- Breastfeeding:  On one hand, breastfeeding means that you have someone latching on to you every 2 to 2.5 hours for the first few weeks give or take.  Hope nursed until 8 months and she was a dainty eater -- every 3 to 4 hours.  Atticus, on the other hand, nursed every 2 to 2.5 hours FOR THE FIRST YEAR OF HIS LIFE.  While there are certainly rough patches, I can say that I enjoy breastfeeding.  Of course I spent a lot of time singing, snuggling, and cooing over my children.  I also read (you people with e-readers are lucky), listened to classical music and audiobooks, caught up on BBC dramas, read the news, and journaled.
-- Journaling: I managed a different sort of journaling while breastfeeding, I made lists.  When I was holding Atticus on my left side I would write with my right hand things to research, books to read, recipes to try, things to tell Sam, etc... It kept my brain engaged.  Even if I couldn't at that moment drop everything to go research young Queen Victoria, I knew that I would get to it at a different season of my life because I had written it down.
-- Make use of sleepytimes:  I know that the experts say nap when they nap.  I found myself more refreshed by using nap time to enjoy the solitude of baking cookies, or writing a letter, or simply sitting in the still quiet house listening to the rain.  Also, take that hour before you go to bed and resist the urge to catch up on cleaning and chores.  Spend time alone or with your spouse.  Brew a cup of herbal tea and sit in the quiet. Even if you know Junior will be up at 5am it is worth it to have some introvert time. 
--Accept that Toddlerhood is difficult:  Just accept it.  When they start leaping off couch cushions onto the coffee table you pretty much need a babysitter or to wait until sleepytime to get any peace!

Preschool through Elementary School:
-- Quiet Time:  This was the period of time when I instituted a schedule.  Every afternoon was a two hour quiet time.  Hope could watch a movie, or play with puzzles, or look at her books.  The rule was she had to stay on the couch.  I went to my bedroom to read and have my "quiet time" or I went to the kitchen to bake.  After quiet time we would do something together or go outdoors.  We also reserved the hour before bed as quiet time.  We each "read" our books or I would knit while Hope tucked in her dollies and then we would end the night by reading night-night stories.  The quiet of the house in that evening hour was soothing to both of us.
-- Talk about it:  Around first grade I began explaining to Hope that I needed time alone. I framed it in a "differences are fun" matter.  Hope is very extroverted and has been since she was a baby!  Mommy is tall and Hope is short.  Mommy has brown hair and Hope has blonde.  Mommy likes mushrooms and Hope likes bananas.  Mommy likes quiet and Hope likes loud.  Mommy like to read and Hope likes to jump. Mommy likes purple and Hope likes green.  Mommy likes her bubble (personal space) and Hope likes crazy tickles (manic rib tickling).  She just saw me as different and didn't take things personally.
--Taking Turns and Compromise:  From about third grade on, Hope and I started seriously talking about compromise and taking turns.  Sometimes we need a quiet, calm house so Mommy can write.  Hope needed to accept that as an extrovert she would sometimes need to be quiet and respectful.  By the same token, I had to accept that sometimes the house would be filled with nutty eight-year-olds trading Littlest Pet Toys and clambering for loud music so they could dance.  As an introvert, I must accept that sometimes I need to allow my extrovert child the freedom to be an extrovert.  If I had an introvert child, I would respect that child's wish to be left alone, but I know I'd have to teach him or her that sometimes we still have play-dates and we need to tolerate noise.
-- Wake up early:  When Hope got to where she would sleep until at least 6:30am I would wake up at 4am.  4am - 6am was filled with scone baking, reading, coffee drinking, and watching the sunrise.  I went to bed promptly at 9pm.  I found that my alone time was more fulfilling in the early morning before my day had exhausted my internal resources.  Whenever Atticus is older I will go back to my early morning introvert time. 

Tweendom:
--Ground rules:  Just when I thought things would get easier.  For some reason the popular perception of a cool mom includes toting kids to endless activities, random social engagements, chatting with other moms, and having a house full of kids.  No, I don't want all the neighborhood teens in my house playing video games.  Get the hell out, I'm trying to bake brioche and listen to Edith Piaf!  Being that mom on the commercials with the tray of bagel bites and smile for teens yelling and stomping through  my peaceful abode is certainly not me. Here are a few of the rules Hope and I have agreed on:

1. Music:  Selena Gomez can be on repeat-peat-peat at a reasonable volume (slightly loud) in the afternoons between nap time and dinner. 
2. Friends:  Hope must ask permission to have friends over.  Friends who are rude or disrespectful are not asked back.  Yes, I will take you and a half-dozen giggling girls to the skating rink and endure two hours of pulsing music and shrieking, BUT they are going home afterwards and mom is having a quiet evening at home.
3. Sleepovers:  We have a "one friend at a time" rule for sleepovers.  I found that this pretty much eliminates cattiness, too.  
4. Activities:  Hope was allowed one extracurricular during the sixth grade and she chose band (she plays the trumpet).  For seventh grade and up I told her she could have two activities.  She has chosen to do theater in addition to band.  Also, I told Hope that I really don't want to be in any booster/committee like function.  I told her I will provide cupcakes and she said that was "more awesomer than raising money on the committee."
5. Manners:  Not only is Hope extroverted, but she also has ADHD.  I realized that sometimes we were arguing because she tends to start random and loud conversations.  For example: Atticus is climbing up the table, the oven timer is going off, and the cat is puking and Hope will begin a loud conversation AT me extolling the virtues of Converse sneakers.  I told her that it is more polite and beneficial if she would wait for me to have a free moment and then I could hear what she is saying and respond.  I can't focus with too much going on and I do want to have meaningful conversations... even if it is a low-top versus high-top discussion.

Well that's about it, for now.  The one thing I want to emphasize -- more than anything do not feel guilty.  Wanting time alone, or quiet, a chance to finish a thought is not a bad thing.  When I take care of myself, whether that means drinking water or exercising or sleeping a full night or eating vegetables or having some quiet time I find that I always end up being a calmer and more attentive parent.  When Hope was born I thought that I wanted to raise my daughter to not be afraid to be herself.... I need to follow my own advice.

Let me know if you are an introvert parent.  What tips do you have? 

Introvert Week: An Introduction

For the past year I've had the idea to do a series on introversion.  I don't know why it has been on my brain, except that I feel like I would have to explain myself less.  I've hesitated because my background is in being an introvert... I have no objectivity.  There is no scientific, emotionless person with reams of data and theories and psychology degrees writing the posts.  Just me.  A person who considers my introversion as one of the essential elements that makes me who I am. 

In my twenties I spent a great deal of time figuring out myself and how I function as an introvert.  Not all, but a great deal of the stress I put on myself related to how I wasn't extroverted.  I considered myself lacking as a friend, parent, coworker, and person because of my need to pull back and reflect.  The guilt associated with wanting to be alone haunted me and it seemed that very few people understood. 

Now that I'm in my 30s, I find that I am focused more on my place in the world.  How does an introvert parent?  When will I have the ovaries to tell my friends I don't want to hangout because I need to read?  Will it ever be okay for me to approach my boss about my need for a quiet and calm work environment to function my best as an employee?  How do I learn to ease back on my introversion to be less abrasive and aloof from extroverts?  In turn, when will extroverts learn that I'm not something that needs to be fixed?

This week I'm going to explore the world of this introvert.  Notice I say this introvert.  Lots of things go into making who we are: region, nature, nurture, values, the choices we make and all the other aspects of our personality. If you are familiar with Meyer-Briggs personality assessment, you know that there are typically several areas that impact personality, introversion -- while important -- is only one facet (I'm a verified INFJ if you 're interested).  I can only reflect my experiences, observations, and thoughts.  So yes, this is all a highly subjective "life of an introvert" blog week. 

Today will mostly be a rough introduction.  I'm going to be comparing and contrasting with extroverts, but I'm certainly not an expert on their life experiences, I'm mostly dealing with my perceptions and popular theories about the lives of extroverts. 

A simple explanation is that an Introvert turns inward and an Extrovert looks outward.  In the purest sense of the word, an introvert is concerned with what is internal: thoughts, feelings, dreams... there's loads of thinking, taking things in, and self-reflection.  However, when a lot of folks use the word introvert it takes on negative connotations; some I've heard:  aloof, hates people, shy, quiet, reserved, anti-social, wall flower, snobby, isolated.  If you think about it... I may be in my head thinking about a book or something as mundane as a pattern in the carpet.  An extroverted person, or simply someone how doesn't know me well, may assume that I'm ignoring them, or brooding, or I'm too shy to talk to people.  I have no idea because I'm in my head. 

I'm going to run down some personal applications from the results of my Meyer-Briggs assessment and I'm going to limit it to those related to introversion, but keep in mind my other personality-factors influence things:

• I am energized and excited when I can work with "ideas, images, memories, and reactions."  -- So mulling over dystopian societies in novels,  thinking about a Matisse painting, recalling in my journal a memory of my mom baking bread, and reading the reactions of others' around me at a work meeting are enjoyable. 
• I enjoy "solitary pursuits or spending time with a few others with whom I feel an affinity" -- reading, baking, stitching, blogging, writing all relax and rejuvenate me.  Or maybe I want to go book browsing, or stitching or baking with a few friends.  I'm usually comfortable hanging out with 1-3 people at a time.  Add more in and I get quiet and pull back and I will most likely need some solitude afterwards.
• I prefer "fewer, more intense relationships." -- I have a handful of close friends.  Some of these friends are introverted (my friends Melissa and Shannon, for example) and some of these friends are extroverted (my friends Catherine, Naomi, and Michelle for example).  It doesn't mean that I can't have extroverted friends, I just need to be able to have meaningful conversations and usually a shared hobby, interest, or set of values.  I don't dislike large parties because I'm shy or afraid of others; I dislike large parties because I have to engage in small talk and move from person to person.  I rather have one thoughtful or interesting conversation with one person or a small group.  Large parties are simply boring to me (gasp, say the extroverts). 
• I may "spend too much time reflecting and not move into action quickly enough."  -- Oh yes.  I remember my mom rearranging my bedroom when I was in high school and then I flipped out when I came home.  I prefer to think through the best place for each piece of furniture and image what everything will look like first.  I don't start by flinging things willy-nilly.  I also don't deal well with meetings at work where everyone is brainstorming.  Everyone is talking and all over the place and no one is slowing down and thinking through their ideas.  I get frustrated and shutdown.  

Another characteristic I've noticed about myself and other introverts is my sensitivity to noise.  I love a loud concert -- like Explosions in the Sky -- when I can stand there and do nothing but experience the music.  However, I get frustrated trying to read or think when I'm bombarded by people talking, television, and music.  You'll never find me at a club, I don't understand how someone can socialize by going to an establishment where you can't hear the other person talking.  I like the quiet, because I have a richer internal experience when I can think, reflect, express, or engage in meaningful conversation with another person. 

This rundown of my core characteristics as an introvert (excitement with working with ideas, enjoyment of solitary pursuits, a thirst for a few meaningful friends, my lack of an ability to quickly jump into things) will be important the rest of the week.  My goal this week is to analyze myself as an introvert and discover how to be the best person I can in different aspects of my life:  as a coworker and employee, as a friend, as a parent, and as a spouse. I want to underscore my strengths, but pick out my weaknesses to improve.  I need to advocate my right to be introverted, but I also need to accept that I could certainly benefit from playing well with others.  I want to embrace the person I am, but I realize that need to be able to adapt in order to have a meaningful life.  Life isn't just about me, but how I react and interact with the world around me.  Lots to think about this week!  I'm open to questions, comments and suggestions!