Here it is barely past 7 a.m. and already my day is horrid. Sigh.
And it is that particular type of horrible day where I think that I am the worst mother in the world. Those days wreck the psyche, plague one with self doubt, and, in general, make one feel like the biggest shit-bag.
Last night was so wonderful. Hope was good at school and played with her dollhouse all evening while singing "Transmission" by Joy Division in a mock-Ian Curtis deep growl. Inky came over for a few hours to hang out. I made apple butter and read. It was wonderful.
This morning I woke up on time, but Hope was already awake so I didn't have time to shower. No biggie, I had a shower yesterday evening. I washed my face and dressed. Then I worked on getting Hope OUT of the bed. She whined and played with the cat. Normally she jumps up at 6:02 after two minutes of rubbing her eyes and stretching. Today it was 6:10 and I had to yell at her to get up. Then while I was putting on my makeup she was suppose to brush her teeth, put on shoes, and brush her hair. At 6:18 she is giggling loudly WHILE I'm fussing at her and telling her to "open your door quit playing we have to go!" At 6:20 she stood in the bathroom staring and not brushing her teeth and then lied to me.
At 6:25 we head downstairs and I realize that I will not have any time to grab breakfast and I'm rushing around trying to get stuff together and realize my shoes are upstairs. I tell Hope "go upstairs and grab mommy's black maryjanes." Hope is nearly 9 and smart as a whip and has gotten these for me before. At 6:27 Hope skips downstairs with some bright red canvas around the house shoes. She goes back upstairs and I run upstairs after her with my winter coat on and bag and clutching Hope's book-bag. She is just staring at the ceiling going "where are they?" and then I pluck them out of closet, where they were sitting right were I told her and are the ONLY black shoes I own excepting sneakers. Then I screamed "ARE YOU STUPID!?"
whoa... bad move mom. I immediately felt terrible. Omigod... isn't that verbal abuse? Won't that damage her? Now she will be hurt and cry and think I don't love her and grow-up and have an eating disorders and use drugs and have an STD from sleeping around and she might run away or maybe just secretly hate me always or start cutting because she feels so terrible about herself. I kid you not, all of these things went flying through my brain.
Hope just stared at me and we flew downstairs and half-jogged to the bus stop with me crying and sweating from wearing my winter coat and running and Hope silently tugging along. We very nearly missed the bus and I only had time to give her a halfway hug before she had to climb on board with her friends.
Now I am upset. That is no way to start the day. Hope is upset. I'm upset. Then I start thinking that now she will be miserable at school and I will be miserable at work.
ugh...
This parenting shit is so hard and I wish I was better at it. I feel as if I just stumble around half-assed trying to guess what to do.
I love Hope. More than anyone in the entire world. I hope she knows that.
6 comments:
Every mother in the world has days like that, but that won't make you feel any better or less guilty. She knows you love her.
We all have our bad days and our slip ups. No mother is perfect. We are all a work in progress and Mothers in training :).
The fact that you are aware and worry makes you a great Mother. I say you are doing a fantastic job as a single mom! I'm sure tonight will be better and you'll hug Hope so tight <3 and she will know it was just one of those days. There is always a strong bond between mother and daughter :) Just breathe.
Alright , I'm done. ;)
Being a mom is hard. And, try as we might, we're not perfect. Don't beat yourself up for a mistake you can't change. You are a great mom to Hope. And one bad morning won't change that. It is obvious how much you love her and I'm sure she knows it!
When I have these kind of days (which happens more often than I care to admit!) I think it forges even stronger bonds because I get the chance to tell my girls that I am sorry for hurting them and I get to let them know that even grown-ups don't do everything right and that we're not too perfect to admit when we're wrong and apologize.
It's a bit humbling to have a 4-year-old tell you that she knows you're not perfect and she loves you even when you make bad choices. : ) But, it teaches them the whole act of forgiving and asking for forgiveness...
Sincere apologies and heartfelt conversations about parents being ordinary, fallible people go a long way toward healing these inevitable situations.
Children are wonderfully forgiving.
Here's hoping you both feel better soon.
Thanks for all the encouragement! The day did get MUCH better.
I am so happy to hear that it was a better day.
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