The Letter I wanted to Write

Dear "Online Dieting Company",

Thank you so much for helping me with my weight loss; I have already lost two pounds and I am enjoying the recipes provided and the menu plans are quit helpful.

I have one teeny issue that I need to discuss with a nutritionist: I have GAS.

Not normal gas, but exploding truck driver gas. It is so bad and so frequent that I won't have "romantic time" with my significant other from fear that he will be gassed to death and then I will have to endure the humiliation of explaining to the police why there is a naked man-corpse in my bed.

My "vapors" are also having an impact on my career. You see, I work in a library where it is pretty quiet. I try not be, ahem, "disruptive," but there is only so much butt-clenching one can do before they are in pain. And, of course, all it takes is one giggle or sneeze and the entire staff and all the students in the library are decimated to vapor shadows and a huge mushroom cloud hangs about the destruction of the library.

Also, as an environmentalist I am concerned about methane levels in the environment and have no desire to further obliterate the ozone. In addition, my cat has now taken to hiding under the couch and I swear that my plants didn't look quite so wilted before my "little problem."

I know that eating gobs of spinach and broccoli and fruit is healthy, but I do feel like I need to make a sacrifice for humanity's sake and stick with the Oreos and Diet Coke diet.

Please advise me if there is anything to do as over the counter medicine does nothing to counter my Napalm butt.

Sincerely,

What's that Smell

EDIT: I just looked up the side effects for the antibiotic I'm on and according to Wikipedia "The most common side effect of sulfamethoxazole/trimethoprim is gastrointestinal upset". Hopefully in a day or two the world will be safe once again.