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When I watch shows like Intervention or Obsessed I can understand how those people ended up the way they are -- family problems, loneliness, death, alienation, etc. It is very easy to see the correlation between "something bad" and "mental illness". There was a time in my life when things were very bad and I went through some horrifying situations with long-term repercussions. Of course I got better through excellent therapy and medication. Something bad happened and I got sick. My family understood and I had a supportive network of friends.
Depression for no good reason just seems silly to me and therefore I feel ridiculous. Amazing friends, an awesome fiance and daughter, good coworkers, genuine friends, a snugly cat, and a horde of excellent books sounds like a perfect insulator from depression.
But it isn't. Do you understand how frustrating that is? Knowing life is wonderful but not being able to sleep, hating yourself, crying over nothing, and having your hair fall out in clumps while all the while knowing that you're acting stupid is beyond infuriating -- it makes one feel like an asshole. Yup, I feel like an asshole, an ungrateful brat, a nagging self-absorbed child.
Yesterday, I spent the afternoon laughing with Hope until she went to Grandma's, enjoying a pedicure, browsing the library stacks and snatching up delicious reads, sitting for hours at Red Lobster talking with Sam and indulging in cheddar biscuits, enjoying the company of friends at the coffee shop and later on snuggling with Sam....
At 12:30 a.m. Sam went to sleep. The cat curled up in his bed and closed his eyes. The house was still and dark and quiet. I padded downstairs to the couch to wait for sleep that is so difficult to attain. And I started crying. For no reason at all. Just sitting on the couch crying in the dark like a cheesy Lifetime movie. All snot and tears and those pathetic half-chokes that get caught in the throat.
I'm tired of feeling shitty and since my life is good and there is nothing to change it means I have to do what I hate the most: go. on. medication.
*sigh*
6 comments:
Dear Amanda,
You and I both know that depression and anxiety are not just results of bad things happening in our lives. Some people go through horrific experiences with no resulting mental illness whereas others live seemingly perfect or just normal lives and still struggle with these issues. Good friends, supportive family members, and even the sweetest of kittens won't protect you from depressive feelings, but they do give you a reason to fight them with meds, therapy, or whatever works best for you. We can't keep the depression away from you, but we won't let it take you away from us either!
Love you!
--Erin
((BIG HUG)) Thank you for writing this. Night time is my darkest hour too. especially when everybody else in the house is asleep. I too, must go back on meds. I have been off too for a couple of months (medical insurance complications) My anxiety has subsided for now...but the depression lingers. Please don't hate yourself :-) You writing this, helps me to realize that I am not alone and that gives me hope :-)
Much Love,
Shannon
It's okay to go on medication. I put it off as long as I could, and when I finally went on it, I started feeling normal again... As normal as I can be. It's not the end of the world, and you're not a loser just because your brain chemistry is off. It just means that you need a little help, and it may not be forever.
*N
Hugs to you, Amanda. Do whatever it takes to start feeling better again.
My son has been horribly depressed for months now and we're just now beginning to see a bit of improvement--he doesn't want to admit the meds are working, so that's making it take even longer.
Just wanted to say love you and you're not alone. I'm so glad you have an excellent support network and understand that sometimes you do need a little help. That nighttime is a bitch, isn't she?
So... My, um, eldest had an "episode" the other day and is now back on his meds. Must be something in the air...
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