online pregnant lady meltdown.
Almost immediately after I hit publish I felt better. I did take a long, hot shower. I made a cup of cocoa. I read The Law and the Lady. Sam was at work that night, but he sent me a series of the sweetest text messages:
"we will be ready and we will have money... and it will be okay..."
"I love you... I will do whatever it takes to take care of my family..."
I am making sure things are ready... I have a list made..."
"but I know it is hard right now... it will get better..."
night was rough nonetheless. Atticus woke several times screaming and
whining. He didn't want to go to sleep. I could feel myself getting
frustrated and angry. I started to think that I should just leave him
in the bed to scream... I should tell him to cut it out... I should make
him learn that he couldn't push me around." But then I kept thinking
about all the wonderful words of encouragement and support I received
when I was pretty much throwing a tantrum. Was it because I was
manipulative, evil, and bratty. Nope. It was because I was tired,
scared, worried, and overwhelmed. What I needed was comfort. I
resolved myself to comfort Atticus. We sang, we rocked, we talked about
books, I rubbed his back, I gave him hugs and kisses and I went to his
room every time he woke.
When we finally decided to give up on
trying for sleep at 5:15am (even cuddling in my big cozy chair wasn't
working) I went to the kitchen to get Atticus a cup of milk. He
immediately asked for a "teefing ring." I handed him one out of the
freezer and he shoved it in his mouth. That morning's tooth brushing
revealed swollen back gums and a tooth pointing through. I felt so good
that I hadn't given in to my urge to let Atticus "cry-it-out." He was
hurting and he needed his parents.
And that is why I consider
myself an Attachment Parenting style parent. I believe that the more
our complicated emotions that leave us feeling lonely, scared, hurt, or
overwhelmed are met with kindness, touch, and a listening ear the
better. Let me clarify this; I am an incredibly flawed AP parent. In
fact, I'm embarrassed by how impatient and mouthy I am with Hope. Attachment Parenting a middleschooler is really difficult for me and I
actually feel quite guilty that Hope doesn't get gentle mama as much as
she does exasperated mama.
Not only did you all help me calm myself, but you assisted in keeping me sane enough to be the parent I strive to be.
also picked up some delicious soup recipes and a great idea to "reward"
myself at each pregnancy week milestone. All the stories folks shared
helped as well. Each mom (and those of you with other big life
changes/responsibilities) emphasized that everyone goes through periods
like this and IT WILL GET BETTER.
Other things that have
greatly calmed me: there is a new plan for my maternity leave
replacement (as of last week they hadn't even advertised), I have my
knitting group tonight, plans to hang out with a friend this weekend, a
weekend movie with my mom, and on Monday a date with Sam. In addition
Atticus and Persy's room is nearly finished, my bags are almost packed,
and so many sweet little baby jammies have been laundered and folded. Add to that the steady rain -- which I love -- and celebrating my
anniversary with Sam and two loveable kids and things are feeling
It is amazing to me how a tough 72 hours can make everything seem awful and then "voila" life is back to being good.
Thanks to all of you for the help and encouragement and virtual hugs.