I try not to rant to terribly much on Ye Olde Blog. After all my parents have been known to wander over here. Coworkers could find it. Or the Bush administration. Or giant hissing spiders. There's danger in blogging.
But I feel the need to bitch, complete with bad words, about my finances. Pull up a chair and listen to my bitching and moaning.
Why the fuck did I go to college? I go to college, make kick-ass grades, graduate with High Honors (no, that doesn't mean I was stoned), and get a job at a library. I'm required to be professional and truth be told I make okay money. More than my fellow English majors who are trapped waiting tables at Red Lobster, or slinging coffee, or being drunk on the 'rents' couch. So why can't I make ends meet? Seriously, I am short on funds every time the rent rolls 'round. WHAT THE FUCK?
I should have taken out the loans for some plastic surgery so I can make $800 a night shimming my ass in front of drunk rednecks who will drop there entire weeks' paycheck to make my cooch twitch. No one slides me a $20 when I elucidate the finer points of Modern American Poetry. No one ever says "that was so hot how you used your mind right there" and throws dollars at me.
Anyways, all this preamble to try to figure out what the heck to do; here are some ideas:
Get a second job waiting tables at Red Lobster or slinging coffee
Pros -- free cheddar biscuits, Cons -- I won't even make enough to cover babysitting
Prostitution
Pros -- gobs of cash, Cons -- STDS, abusive pimps, possible jail time, and -- honestly -- who wants a job that requires you to shave your legs, like, all the time.
Selling Drugs
Pros -- gobs of cash, Cons -- possible jail time and I am an environmentalist who whole heartedly disagrees with using all those plastic baggies. I don't think a bring-your-own-hemp-baggie would go over well with coke-heads.
Yard Sale
Pros -- I get rid of unwanted junk, Cons -- all I really have to sell is a cordless phone, some VHS Taebo tapes, and an ugly jacket. That's one pathetic yard sale.
Motherfucking Bake Sale
Pros -- I get to bake, I get to fatten my neighbors asses, and I can send the kid out to look cute and poor (like Oliver Twist). Cons -- I have this vision of me with a ton of baked goodies and no one buying them.
Looking at my options I think I will undertake a bake sale. Advertising will be key. Perhaps I could call it "the-poor-single-mother's-bake-sale" or "my-ex-is-a-deadbeat-who-cheated-on-me-drained-my-savings-and-racked-up-bills-because-he-wouldn't-get-a-fucking-job-sale" or I could just stick with a "pay-my-light-bill-sale."
Oh, I'll figure it out.
Ideas anyone?
3 comments:
I wish I had an idea, Amanda, but I don't. Basically is just SUCKS that life has to be so damn expensive. Where does our money go? Basically the more gas goes up and the shittier the economy gets, the more we'll be in this predicament. Ugghhh.
...And I would love to get tips for explaining poetry. What a wonderful world that would be.
A-freaking-men. I can't figure out where every dollar goes. Wait, maybe it's these darned kids. It's always, "feed me lunch" or "feed me dinner" or "I can't go to school barefoot." Geez. Will they never stop?
I like the bake sale idea. I say dress the kiddo up in a cheerleading/basketball/any sports uniform so people think they're supporting some sports team. People in the South line up to support sports. Poetry and the arts, not so much.
And, the whole prostitution would be a crappy job 'cause you have to shave your legs all the time thing cracked me up. You deserve to have $20 bills thrown at you for your fantastic snark alone.
We're in the same motherfuckin' boat. I'm really disgruntled at the state of my finances and my career.
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