First off, I want to clarify that I do love being a mommy and I'm treasuring my time at home with Atticus. I feel like I need to explain that because, alas, I'm about to embark on yet another bewildered mommy post. I find writing about all my mommy successes, failures, and milestones helps me maintain focus and the comments I get are always inspiring and encouraging.
I know it has been 10 years since Hope was an infant, but I didn't think becoming a mother a second time would floor me as much as it has. I was very ideological going into this pregnancy: I wanted natural childbirth, I abhorred pacifers, I would breast feed for a year.... everything would be all "hippie sunshine."
Let me tell you folks, I AM EATING MY WORDS. I had a c-section after giving in to pain meds and an epidural. Little Man is currently sporting a pacifer. And BREASTFEEDING IS KICKING MY ASS.
Hope was a vaginal birth. Hope never used a pacifer. I exclusively breastfed Hope for a solid 8 months. I have positive memories of feeding her all curled up next to me....
... so why are things so difficult this time around?
Things were bad today. REALLY BAD. Atticus eats every hour and a half to two hours. He guzzles, but naps and is hard to wake, so each feeding lasts at least 45 minutes. I am feeding him constantly. My shoulders ache, my nipples are sore, and I'm (alas) looking at feeding time as a chore. Last night things were worse; Atticus was up every 45 minutes to eat and he spit up everything. All day -- since 3 a.m. -- guzzle, spit up, scream. I gave him gas drops, I analyzed my diet, I tried different feeding positions. Nothing worked.
I could hear his belly growling and there was a span of four hours with nary a wet diaper. I called Sam crying around 2:30 and he called the doctor. We have an appointment for tomorrow morning, but I didn't know what to do tonight. Finally, around 3:30 I grabbed a bottle of formula the hospital sent home with us.
He drank nearly 8 ounces.
Then he burped, cuddled up next to me, and cooed sweetly. And now he is asleep.
I'm so tired. If the lengthy feedings and lack of sleep weren't bad enough, my c-section isn't healing very well. A little portion reopened and I'm feeling run down and weak.
What do I do? I want Atticus to have all the golden antibodies in breast milk, but I AM SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING SWITCHING TO FORMULA. I was considering a compromise, pumping 3 times a day and supplementing the breast milk with formula.
Help me, mommies, what do I do?