I've come to realize that it is best if I just recognize and nod to the Maternal Guilt which is always followed by bits and bobs of depression. Hi, baby blues, I know you're there, I see you, but you won't get me down.
First the good things: long autumn walks, potato corn chowder, a new stock pot and roasting pan, cuddling, North and South, coffee, movies under piles of blankets, early nights, witnessing Hope come into her own as an independent young lady, watching Sam's pure happiness when he is holding Atticus, good friends for visits, having the most terrific mother-in-law who brings chicken and dumplings, rain, quiet, Fleet Foxes...
The problem is that there is so much good in my life I feel as if I should be over the moon with happiness, near giddy with life.... and I'm not. I still find myself desiring more than two hours of sleep at a go. I wish I could go off by myself for a few hours and read a thick novel. My arms are tired from hours of holding Little Man. I want to brush my teeth before noon. Basically, I feel so loved by Sam, Hope, and Atticus and these feelings of wanting to escape leave me feeling like a louse. So much of my life is internal (i.e. as is my introvert nature) I need more than caring for others, I need solitude. Not much, an hour here or an hour there, but nevertheless, I need for people to not need me a few hours out of the week.
But it is normal. Folks would like you to believe that there is no sacrifice, that being a mother is nothing but pure joy. Joy there is, but at a price. I wouldn't trade my family for the world and I love them deeply, but sometimes a mommy just wants a few minutes alone, the freedom to go to the store, the ability to have unscheduled potty breaks....
What's the point of the rambling? Self-assurance that I'm not a terrible human? To tell myself that I'm a good mother and my life is rich and beautiful and fulfilling, but that I needn't go around with a 50's housewife smile plastered to my face? To admit, that I'm human and completely okay with that? All of the above, but ultimately, the point is to scare out that dark little corner in the back of my brain. That pesky bit of depression that creeps up on me every now and then. Self-reflection and acknowledgment acts as a sort of searchlight illuminating that sadness, recognizing it. That beam makes every thing not so dark.
Alright. Solitude accomplished. Time to go hug my babies.
6 comments:
I'm not telling you ANYTHING that you don't know already, Amanda, but please don't beat yourself up for getting down. That's totally natural. I think we can all find tons of happiness in our lives if we look, but those things can't erase feeling down when you are feeling down. Sometimes it's best just to acknowledge that that feeling is there and be with it. It's when it's there for a loooooong time that it's a problem. *hugs* Hope you feel better soon!! BTW, Atticus is SO beautiful!
I hear ya! I've experienced all of those feelings four times. It's really just one of the hardest things to take care of a new baby, and frankly, you just don't have the energy for overt happiness. Try not to feel guilty!
This may sound weird, but I learned that the best thing to get through my post-partum depression was some sort of active, mental distraction. With my last baby (8 years ago now--it get's better!)I bought a geography coloring book, and while I had her in the snuggly, I would color my maps! I also tried to "appreciate" classical music while walking around with her, and learn new songs from different composers. I don't know if that's helpful, or if you will just think I'm crazy! Hang in there! He's completely beautiful!
New baby times are so crazy because on the one hand you LOVE that time - and look back at photos later and feel sad and nostalgic that it's gone. On the other hand, it really is so so so challenging. The crazy-ass hormones, the lack of sleep, the whose-body-is-this weirdness of postpartum identity changes. Atticus is a beautiful baby, Hope is an awesome kid, and Sam is a perfect husband - nevertheless, everything you are feeling is completely normal. Hold on for that 6-8 week mark. It really does get a little better then. Did you ever order a Moby wrap? I wore Jude in it everywhere in the early days, so it allowed me two hands and allowed me to leave the house. It might help?? Also - weather later this week is supposed to be good. Picnics were my saving grace in some darker early days. :)
I have some GREAT herb formulas in my herb school manual for the baby blues, let me know if you want more info!
Boy, do I get it in a way I NEVER would've before. Those early days of a baby's life are so challenging and full of tugging, nagging emotions. Good for you for whipping out the searchlight. I remember, I was GIDDY with joy the first time I took a trip to the store along after Greyson was born. Small joys. :)
And it does get better and quickly. Though, admittedly, I still feel bad when I yearn for some time alone. I work my ass off and that's time away from Greyson, but it's not quality time with myself. I feel selfish asking for anything more, but we all know intellectually that it's necessary--even if our emotions give us hell about it.
Hugggs!
Amanda - this is completely unrelated to the post, but i wasn't sure how else to get ahold of you. I saw you entered the classics blogger directory, but you already had an entry on there from a few months ago. I was just curious if you wanted me ot keep the old entry or change your information to the new stuff. Can you email me at the address I entered above and let me know? I'll keep the old one until I hear otherwise from you.
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