Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: FAIL!

***There are spoilers, but trust me, you'll thank me later!

Did you ever see that episode of South Park where George Lucas and Steven Spielberg rape Indiana Jones? Well folks, Optimus Prime is nursing a chaffed butt after being rawdogged by Michael Bay.

Let me preface this by saying that I enjoyed the first movie. Yes, it wasn't "old-school" Transformers, but the spirit of the Transformers was there. Yes, there was far too much human crap, but I could get past that.

I heard that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was BETTER than the first. Eagerly I bought my ticket and wore my Transformers shirt. I knew that it probably would not be stellar, but I expected to see a movie marginally better than the last.

What I got was 2 and a half hours of American Pie meets GoBots. Oh how I loathe thee Michael Bay, let me count the ways:
  1. This movie has been marketed to children -- cartoons, clothing, toys, etc. I expect in a movie of this nature there to be some degree of innuendo, but the blatant sexuality and gross humor has made it impossible for me to take Hope to see it. Normally, if I can salvage a "teachable moment" the movie is okay. How do I explain to Hope the difference between the bad guys and the good guys when Megan Fox's character is straddling everything? In addition to dogs humping there is a Decepticon humping Megan Fox's leg. There are pantie shots, cleavage, ass grabs, a reference to sucking ball sacs, and a huge gleaming pair of DECEPTICON BALLS. Yes, dangling testicles. This isn't to mention the random swear words.
  2. RC makes an appearance in the movie as a set of triplets who manifest as slim motorcycles, but in actuality look like vibrators in fun colors like pink, lilac, and teal.
  3. Apparently, Wall-E and Short Circuit had a set of bastard twins in the Projects. Folks, there are dumpy, humorous TWIN Autobots who have gold teeth and speak like hoodrats. Yes, this movie is riddled with endearing, clumsy Transformers. Oh those silly aliens! I suppose they were in there to lighten the mood with all that action.
  4. Action! Explosions! More explosions! Throughout the movie -- which is well over 2 hours -- I saw so many explosions that I actually reached a point of becoming numb. By the time they reached the HUGE explosion at the end I was "meh."
  5. Like a serial rapist with a victim pantie collection, Michael Bay has sampled from EVERY movie known to man including, but not limited to, The Matrix, Lord of the Rings, Rambo, Star Wars, old-school G.I. Joe, and any of the Lifetime original movies airing on Sunday afternoons.
  6. At one part, Prime takes on the parts of another Transformer, which is canon, but he looks like the front of a redneck's trailer. Disgraceful.
  7. As a side note, the library has a card catalog. ( I guarantee only the library bunch will get the humor in this!).
  8. Apparently, Transformers are religious and have an afterlife. There is a collective body of deceased bots who can "send people back to complete their mission."
So was there anything about this movie that is worth seeing? Yes. Go see a matinee simply for the... wait for it... DECEPTICONS. Despite the few "quirky and endearing" cons, Michael Bay is spot on with the spirit of Decepticons. Soundwave and Ravage are in this movie along with Constructicons and Insecticons. Devestator, although being slightly different in stoop, wrecks havoc. Starscream and Megatron have their ongoing power struggle. The Decepticons are the more fully fleshed out of the characters and by the end of the movie I was rooting for the annihilation of humanity.


Catherine said...

thank you for the review. it had briefly crossed our minds to go see it, but you pretty much just made my mind up.

and a card catalog? wow. i think my elementary school got rid of theirs in 5th grade. nuff said.

Giggly said...

I'm sorry this sucked so hard. I know you were really looking forward to it.
Thanks for the heads up- review. I'll avoid it for sure, especially the kids!

Andi said...

Ha! I saw it last night, and I have to tell you, the part about the dead primes sending what's-his-butt back to complete his mission almost made me vomit. Cheese to the nth power. I enjoyed the first movie, but like you, I didn't have much love for this one overall. A few good parts, but mostly just too much dick swinging...aka explosions, crass humor, and ass.