Sunday, July 22, 2012

Depression Remedy: Introverting

Requisite rainy photo for maudlin post
My 32 year-old self is so vastly different from my 25 year old self.  When I was 25 I would blog about whatever I pleased with little thought to how it may hurt other people or make them worry. My friend Catherine pointed out that my blog is much less angry now and that's because I've grown-up and I can at least make an attempt at being mature.

I've decided to take a blog break for the remainder of July to keep up my streak of not laying out every gaping wound and ridiculous worry for the entire world to view.

Many of you know that I have suffered with clinical depression in the past and I know when I can feel it creeping up on me:
  1. I start thinking of all the things I say wrong and mistakes I make 
  2. I have difficulty sleeping more than 3 or 4 hours at night
  3. I start thinking that my husband and friends don't love me and that acquaintances hate me
  4. I question every parenting choice and find all the things I do wrong
  5. I quit wanting to read and stitch and bake 
  6. The house gets awfully messy and I don't care
  7. I obsess over the horribleness of the world
  8. I do that thing where you try to say something calm and ordinary and your voice gets high and tight and cracked and you can feel yourself start to cry.  
  9. I look at myself and see nothing I like and I can't figure out why anyone would like what they see
I have all of those things happening right now for no damn reason.  It could be fatigue/hormones from pregnancy, it could be that I hate summer, it could just be whatever stupid non-functioning chemicals in my brain are screwing me up. 

I know it is serious because there are only 3 things on my "depression list" not happening: 
  1. being dirty:  I am still bathing, brushing my teeth, and wearing clean clothes
  2. detachment:  I don't have that hollow, detached, Bell Jar, feeling
  3. self-harm:  I'm not cutting
 Yup.  You probably didn't know that.  I'm a cutter.  And a damn good secret hide the cuts cutter too.  I haven't cut since September of 2011 and I'd really like to make it a full year.

If you want to know why I do it I can only narrow it down to two things:  it makes the hollow feeling temporarily abate which is nice and I cut because I feel like I should be punished.  I cut when I make mistakes or do wrong by somebody or mess up and I feel like I deserve to be hurt.  I typed out a long explanation of why I feel this way and deleted it. Somethings it is best to deal with in my journal not inflict it on people in the blog world.

That is what I'll be doing:  writing, reading, baking, crocheting, sleeping, enjoying my kids and husband and getting back to my normal self.  Y'all will here back from me on August 1st.  I will still be reading blogs and on facebook, Pintrest, and Twitter.  I may even do some blog template tinkering. 

An aside:  we all know that introverts like to hang out with close friends in small groups.  I may be hitting up some friends for tea and stitching and movie watching.  Also, I will be writing letters.  I love writing letters.  If anyone would like a letter or would like to send me a letter hit me up at amanda(dot)L(dot)addison(at)gmail.com

I'm glad I wrote this instead of not deleting it. My first inclination is to say "Amanda, you have no REASON to be sad.... your life is great!" My life is great, which means that there is something definitely wrong if I'm not enjoying it.  Burying the truth will only make it worse.

Okay.... time to curl up with a book and sink into Victorian Gothic goodness. 

3 comments:

Jillian said...

Feel better, Amanda. xxx

Chris said...

*hugs* I hope you feel better soon, Amanda. *more hugs*

Heather said...

(((Amanda))) Here if you need me love. Feel better my dear.